I’m having one of those days. In fact, I’m having one of those years. I just don’t feel appreciated. I don’t feel needed. I don’t feel understood. And I don’t feel, well, validated. I really don’t feel like I matter.
What is it in each of us that need to feel all of these qualities? Is it simply pride? Or is it something different? Is it part of the human need to connect with others? I think if we focus on the “us” all of the time and hog it all inside of us for the sheer reason of making ourselves feel better, and then yes, it is for nothing more than self-pride. But if we are truly trying to connect with society and do something for the good of the whole of society then feeling like you “matter” in the World probably isn’t such a bad quality to yearn for.
But how you go about “mattering” to the rest of the World is the real trick now isn’t it? What is your “claim to fame”? How do you go about making your mark on your corner of the World and accomplish the task of doing enough good that you get the validation your ego craves, but not so much appreciation that your head explodes into a hydroponically grown Cinderella carriage that turns into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight? In other words, you want your validation to be real, you want authentic respect from the community in which you live, but you don’t want false worship and adoration.
This has always been my nemesis. I have always been my worst enemy when it comes to success. I always sabotage my own success. I’ve always known that I have success in my blood, it courses through my veins. But when I almost reach it, bam, I smack it down and run like hell to escape it for fear of being falsely worshiped. I just can’t stand the thought of masses of people falling all over me for creating something that might be valuable to communities the globe over.
And where does this fear of success land me? Where I am today, suffering from lack of appreciation, validation, misunderstanding and feeling like I don’t matter in this world. I do it to myself, so I don’t have anyone to blame but me. And I think if all us would look at our lives closely most of us would realize that we bring this cycle of rejection on ourselves, no one does it to us, we do it to ourselves, and we usually bring it upon ourselves out of some kind of deep-seated fear of long ago we haven’t dealt with.
The first step to overcoming this “cycle” is first recognizing that we are doing this to ourselves, the second step is calling it for what it is, the third step is deciding to something about it and the fourth step is to stop allowing the fear to control us. Maybe the last step is to take the biggest step of all and forge ahead and DO what it is that we are most afraid to do and make the change, proceed with our dream, desire or idea and make it happen. Then no matter what comes with that dream, good or bad, and “good or bad” is in the eye of the beholder, just push through. Don’t let any feeling you’re having stop you.
So if you feel afraid of success, push through. If you’re afraid of fame, push through. If you’re afraid of failure, push through. If you’re afraid of what people will say about your success, push through. If you’re afraid others will be jealous of you, push through. In all, push through. Because if you don’t you are going to go through the cycle again and again and again leaving yourself feeling unappreciated, defeated, disrespected, misunderstood, invalidated, and like you don’t matter. How many times do you have to go through this cycle, how many times do you have to experience these feelings until you realize that it’s not worth playing? Why do you feel like you’re not worth the same amount of success that others enjoy? That’s just not a true feeling, it has no real basis. You know it, I know it and the rest of the world knows it.
And even if there are others who don’t want you to succeed it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to succeed. They have their own “worlds” to conquer, you have yours. They have their own crosses to bear, you have yours. In the end no one’s going to answer for your life but you. In the end you need to feel like you’ve lived your life to the fullest and you have made valuable contributions to the World.
There may be no greater contribution than to share love through your own creativity, something you have created from your own imagination and then offered it up to the World for use.
You will find your validation, appreciation, respect, success, understanding and the feeling that you “matter” when you push through all of the obstacles you and others place in front of you and forge through with your desires, dreams and ideas.
I have to remind myself every once in awhile that I’m my own worst enemy and it’s up to me to become my own best friend and encourage myself to become whatever it is that I want to become.
I have to remind myself that I appreciate, respect and understand myself even when no one else does. And even when no one else seems to be validating me, I can validate myself simply by creating what it is that I have the talent to create and then sit back and admire it. Yes, “sit back and admire and what I have created.” That’s not narcissistic arrogant pride, that’s self-appreciation for the sake of self-acceptance, self-nurturing and self-survival. That’s a healthy form of “self-love”.
This is the stuff we need to model to our children so they will grow up to respect their own selves. Our children need to see that yes, their parents may have not-so-good days, but that they eventually pull themselves out of the pit and begin seeing themselves in the light they are supposed to, as valuable people even with the imperfections we have. Our children need to see us in our ugliness and in all of our glory; they need to see us in our human-ness. Then they will realize that it’s okay for them to be “regular” people too. They already have far too many super-stars to live up to; they need regular people in their daily lives to understand that it’s okay to be, well, “normal”.
So, yeah, while I’m having one of those days, I intend to turn it around. I will turn my frown upside down. It may take me a couple of hours, or it may take me a couple of days, but I will turn it around. What doesn’t “matter” is that time will pass by and the way I’m feeling will be nothing but a blip on my radar screen. My thinking will reset and I will find new hope, a new reason for living and my creative juices will begin to flow again realizing that if I can offer just one little bit of hope for one more person to go on dreaming and living their life’s purpose then I have been validated, and that’s what makes me matter.
*You matter too because somehow today, probably unknowingly, you will give someone hope to go on living. When you least expect it, you will be an example to someone. You may never know that you have been an example, so turn your frown upside down, and be sure to smile!
SELAH’s Opinion 